


What if the Astartes Watched the Text-To-Speech Series ? - Extras

by DracoLazarus, Karolus_Rex



Series: What if the Astartes watched the TTS series ? [2]
Category: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device, Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Banter, Disappointment, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Questions from hell, Too many characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-05 06:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14611434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoLazarus/pseuds/DracoLazarus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karolus_Rex/pseuds/Karolus_Rex
Summary: Because some of the Astartes TTS takes place outside the principal videos, we needed a series outside the main series.Featuring questions to the Astartes, more or less wacky shit, traitors having a bad time...





	1. Astartes Answers I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the beginning of the Astartes TTS series,we'd started by allowing people to send in questions to the Astartes. Here are their answers.
> 
> None of the characters belong to us.

**Ahzek Ahriman** \- Alright, I'm done with those questions. Let's answer them so they no longer echo inside my skull.

 **From : Adeptus[maddog](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/33691/)**  
  
Oh Hello there This is one of Malcadors assistants speaking, I have managed to get a copy of what you are watching and I managed to discover half of the Primarchs shall betray the Emperor, but I'm unable to determine which, Any ideas on who could remain loyal and who would be traitor? Malcador got very worried, although Our Glorious Shinnymperor Glory be to his light seems amused, Still, If you could be of assistance i would appreciate it. Also, Can you Explain why intel reports from Ultramar mention Something called Ultra-chanting ? AND WHO THE HELL IS CATO SICARIUS AND WHY DOES HE KEEP POPPING UP IN THE INTEL REPORTS ?

 **Ahriman -** This is most surprising. I didn’t think Swedesia was close enough to Earth for Malcador to have assistants there.  
**Ezekyle Abaddon -** The Luna Wolves have conquered most of the sector of Terra, and I can ensure there is no Swedesia in there.  
**Ahriman -** Alright then. Probably a Daemon wanting some succulent information.

**From : Daemon[Sergio2592](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/323890/)**

YOU ALL HAVE TO STOP BEING SUCH A CREEPS!  
LUCIUS STOP MOLESTING LITTLE BOYS THAT'S CREEPY AND ILLEGAL!  
KHARN CHILL THE FUCK OFF AND STOP COLLECTING SKULLS THAT ROAD ONLY LEAD TO SERVING AN USELESS PARAPLEGIC SOCIOPATH!  
AHRIMAN DON'T GO DESTROYING STARS IN YOUR TEMPER TANTRUMS BECAUSE YOU CAN ENTER THAT ELDAR LIBRARY!  
TYPHUS STOP PRETENDING NOT BEING A PSYKER AND ALSO STOP DOING SCAT THAT'S DISGUSTING!  
ABBADON YOU'RE A LOSER AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT LOKEN IS BETTER THAN YOU!  
AND TO ALL SPACE WOLVES STOP MOLESTING YOUR WOLVES YOUR DEGENERATES!  
PS: Lorgar is most likely a traitor working with warp entities to destroy the Imperium transforming it in a hellish landscape because he is a whiny little bitch  
PSS: Iron Warriors and Imperial Fist you must fortify both Cadia And Tyran ASAP this will solve A LOT of problems in the Long run.

 **Ahriman -** Alright. First thing, you’re yelling so loud psychically everyone heard.  
**Khârn -** AND YOU. NEED. TO. CALM DOWN !  
**Ahriman -** Second, why exactly would I destroy stars ? Although that mention of an Eldar library sounds interesting. I might tell Magnus about it.  
**Targutai Yesugei -** Should we tell Vespasian about Lucius molesting little kids?  
**Ahriman -** Do you really think he’d believe that? Just ask Saul to keep an eye for a while.  
Anyway. Probably one of those angry Daemons.  
  
**From : ‘Rogue Trader’ @CaekDaemon**  
  
Dear Ahriman,  
  
It is said that the sons of Roboute Guilliman, the Ultramarines, are the greatest of all Astartes and that there is no mission that they could not accomplish. At the same time, however, I have heard that [some of your kin in the Thousand Sons](http://warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Blood_Ravens) are greatly interested in the [collection of relics](https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Blood_Ravens#Bloody_Magpies), and this made me wonder: if the Ultramarines were given the task of guarding an object, would they be able to stop your brothers from acquiring it for their collection, or would this have the risk of tearing a hole into the Immaterium?  
  
Yours truly, a curious  warp daemon Rogue Trader.

 **Ahriman -** The Ultramarines are allowed to believe there are. However, the Thousand Sons’ psychic gifts can be very helpful in the collection of artifacts.  
And that is all I will say given that I can hear strikethrough text.  
**Yesugei -** Nothing would stop your Legion from...lets say “borrowing” an object if you want it, actually the Thousand Sons have quite a reputation because of this.  
**Ahriman -** Then again, we mostly do it on planets we bring to compliance, not other Legions.  
**Yesugei -** Still better for us to lock the reliquary when of you visit _,_ _Yesugei thought._  
  
**From : Tyranid Hive Mind ‘@Jonofthezombie**  
  
Ḩ̴̭̗̦̪͙͞e̻̖̥y̹̠̗̻͜ ̠̼͈̦͚̱̩͟g͏̼̥̘̤̥u҉̢̡͙ͅy̷͍̜͟s̡̗͚̲͈̟͚ͅ  
̧̛͈̳ͅ  
̸̷̧̟̳̗̱̹͖ͅA̰̪͠͞n͍͈̬̲̤̱͉͈͢͜͢y̺̲͡b̗̭͇̜̘̩͍͎o̫̖̫̫͕͉̳͝d̸̻̙̦͓y͓͞ ̶̞̦͇̲̟͎͎͠͝e̻̹̦̼̥̭l̗̩̮͎̬͔͙s̭̥͇̩̖̖̦̝͡e̸̵͇͍͇͚̬ ̹̞̖̖̮̬h̷̡̲̯͎͖ͅu̷̢̯͙̯̕n̪͚̪͕g͏҉̭r̵̹͙̮̹̥̫̯y̼̼͚̘̹̠̰͓?͏̢͎̺͓͖̻̤̕  
̼̗͍̫  
̮͙̫̭̟͜C̤̫̳̝̝͈̬a̢҉͓̫̠̰̳̮̩u̬̩͓̠̥̕͡s̞̜e̵͙̳̪̲̱̳ ͓̳̳̳ͅw̢̩̬̭e̸͈̮̖̯̺̙̜̩̕͢ ̩s̸͉̖̫͈̺̰̕͟ͅu͏͚͓͓͖͖̥̼r̳̤͖e͙͚ ̠̜̣̩ą͇̬̱͢͡r̸̫e͏͖͕̩̤͢.̢̩̝̜͈͖̘͈̞  
̵̶̠͓̳̣̳͔̭  
̸̭̯͡  
͍͉̰̲͇S҉̞̳e͇͎̲̝̺̖͇̙͍͞ẹ̩̻͙͇͟ ̢͚̜̬̞͔̺̖y҉̶̛̻͎o͜҉̠̙̙̟u͎̲̞͡ͅ ̝̙̙̘͇̗̬ͅa̠̹̩͡l҉̫̥̳͕l̰̟̗ ̸͍͉͙͔̳̺̫i҉̡̠̗͖̯̹̣̬̬n̖̱̼̺̹̼̣̼͈ ̝̣̝͈̟ͅ1̛̯̗̤͍̥͈͔̮͡ͅ0̴̛͕̜͖͚̟0̼̖̰̟̮0͢͏̠͇̺̮͇̖̭0̸̪̱̥̫̜̬̭̹͘͞ͅ ̮̞͡y̘̥͘e̷͇̺͉̘͢͜ͅa͓̮̞͢͝r҉̢̥̻͉̳̖̳̪͝s̸͉͈̲̰  
̭͙͎̝̠͜͠  
̡̟  
̪T̪̰̣̦̭̰͔͔̳͟y̡͏̛͚̳r̖̯̟͎̟̬̙̩͞a̠͚̖͓n҉̰i҉͚͚̪̯̺͠͝d̷̦̟͙̠̮͎ ̵̰̮̫̫̗̙h͍̗̺̺̫͢i̗̻͚̭̳̮ͅv̬̩e̴̦̰̫̩̭̤̰̼͜ ̷̵̱̳̥̪̻̠m̥̝͢͜͡ͅi̻̻̬̖͓͞͡n̠̬̙̞̹̹d̺̝̱͎͓̤̯ͅ

 **Ahriman -** This is definitely not creepy.  
  
**From :[LordZeddthedrunk](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/303611/)**  
  
Garro  
You should make sure to check up on Calas typhon with the help of Ahriman and Targutai Yesugei Incase Erebus has already corrupted him.  
Ps. You should keep an eye on the Crysos Morturg. That badass survives with a direct orbital bombment striking him from the traitorous Horus.  
Loyalist for life.

 **Ahriman -** Very appreciated. Garro, did you get this ?  
**Nathaniel Garro** \-  Excuse me if I can’t believe it. Why would I listen to someone who uses _psychic powers_  
**Ahriman -** _Excuse me_. Fourth-dimensional warp fuckery.  
**Garro -** _Psychic Powers_ to talk to me ? I will investigate Typhon, but if he proves innocent, Morturg is going down.  
  
**From : ‘Xeno with the strange language that we are going to exterminate with Promethium’[poketwo](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/322789/)**  
  
Ke kekeke  
Kekekekekekeke? Ke ke keke? Ke ke! kekekekekekeke! ke ke ke keke ke kekekeke ke ke ke ke. Ke ke ke. KE! keke kekekekekeke ke ke ke ke ke. Ke Ke Ke. Ke keke ke kekeke ke ke ke? ke ke ke kekekeke. Keke kekeke keke kekekekeke ke ke kekeke kekek. ke? KE!  
ke  
Kekekekekekekeke  
K E: kekekeke ke ke ke ke ke. Ke kekeke.

 **Bjorn the Fell-Handed -** Well, that sounds like something that needs to be heated to in-ke-descence.  
**Artellus Numeon** :  I’ll go get the flamer.  
  
**From Imperial Citizen[Baran3](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/314634/)**  
A question?  
Just one: How the warp did you managed to put all those Astartes together without (too much i hope) problems?

 **Bjorn -** With Booze!!  
**Ahriman -** Essentially this.  
**Yesugei -** That’s also the reason why I’m here.  
  
**From : Genetor[Jonofthezombie](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/317133/)**  
  
Ahriman  
  
Have you noticed the similarities between the flesh change and the wulfen curse? And if so what do you think about it? I mean what are the odds that two legions have genetic defects that result in some of their members turning into monsters?  
Also just so you know Wyrdmake is going to backstab you, the Tutelaries are going wreak havok on Prospero and you are really going to enjoy episode 23.

 **Ahriman -** The Wulfen Curse ?  
**Bjorn -** Nothing worth mentioning.  
**Ahriman -** … Alright.  
As for the Tutelaries, why would we unleash them on Prospero ?  
  
**From : Captain[TheExtranatural](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/313310/) ‘Hairgel’ Aramus of the Blood Ravens Chapter**  
  
Okay, I have a question:  
  
"Hey, could you tell the Word Bearer that is amongst you that there is this one Astartes Legionnaire named Eliphas who will kill his CO and wreak havoc in our recruitment worlds in the future? Oh and could he pass this message from us, stating that the Word Bearer that we named is an asshole since he killed one of our Captains and helped our Corrupt Azariah (Chapter Master/Chief Librarian) out in corrupting half of our brothers to Chaos that it started a civil war within our ranks? I know that killing him might be bad if the time-space continuum was disturbed, causing billions of lives being snuffed out of existence in an instant just because something small changed and all but this is as far as we can get. Also Ahzek, while the future might seem bleak to your legion, there is a small portion of it that managed to find a way to stave off the flesh change. They still fight for the Emperor up to this day."  
  
-4th Captain "Hairgel" Aramus of the Blood Ravens Chapter

 **Ahriman -** Passing this info on to Narek.  
**Barthusa Narek -** I don’t know about an Eliphas, but first let’s take care of Erebus and Kor Phaeron. Those two are way more in a position to make damage than that Eliphas. After we’re done with these two and maybe Typhus we’ll look into it further.  
**Ahriman -** This theory about the space time continuum is interesting. Fortunately, however, if I were to guess, you are instead from an alternate timeline since the future is altered by our having seen the videos.  
The knowledge that some of our legion has remained loyal anyway remains comforting. Thanks for this question, brother.  
**Yesugei -** Captain ‘Hairgel’? I would expect this from a Space Wolve, Ahriman, not from a Thousand Son.  
**Ahriman -** Everyone is allowed to have their own style. Not everyone can rock the Achaemenid look, you catch my drift?  
**Yesugei** _mental sigh._  
  
**From : Lord[Commissar Antonius](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/375587/):**  
  
So for the questions I'd like to pose one: Why do you want to FAHCKING MURDER THE STARS Ahriman? Were you bad touched by a C'tan or something?

 **Ahriman -** Uh… I have no reason to kill the stars? Unless they want to kill me? Also why are people asking me why I kill stars? I never killed one in my life. Do they want me to kill stars?  
  
**From : Astartes Librarian[Rjrulew](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/346944/)**  
  
Wyrdmake, what makes you think your traditions are any less psykery then the thousand sons. The White Scars channel their power through a world spirit like you supposedly do via Fenris but they still admit that its warp energy albeit filtered so why are your rune priests not psykers when there is literally no difference in energy type or it being filtered from an external source like a world spirit, Like for example the Riders of Chogoris who also channel the blessings of their homeworld for powers while still having the balls to admit that they’re not solely from the planets world spirit.?

 **Ahriman -** Wyrdmake is not here, but I’ll make sure either Bjorn or Yesugei will transmit the message.  
**Yesugei -** About us White Scars, while we believe that our powers are connected to the spirits of the land and air, and even admit that they are related to the warp, we, Stormseers, are not like the Psykers from the Thousand Sons, unlike them we know when to stop messing with the Warp.  
**Ahriman -** Well if this Chaos thing comes from the Warp and corrupted us, well, this might be a good moment to stop or at least go easy on it. But exploring and categorising the properties of the warp, to advance human knowledge, is very important to us.  
  
**From : Tech-Priest[Lass McChurros](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/364693/)**  
  
For Yesugei, since your legion disapprove putting old or wounded astartes into dreadnought partially for not being able to accomplish your strategy of hit-and-run (dreadies just hit-and-waddle). How about asking help from the mechanicum (or the ones that can do it) to customize them to go faster just the way you guys like?

 **Yesugei -** While there is a couple of orders of magnitude between the speeds the White Scars and dreadnoughts achieve, it would probably help if the dreadnoughts could be made faster.  
**Cogboy** \-  These interrogations would need to be transmitted to the closest Magos. Adjunction of wheels has been offered but refused. Lord Khan refused to see his warriors rollerskating on the battlefield.  
This is true.  
**Bjorn -** Maybe they should get tank tracks ? They’d be called Treadnoughts !  
**Yesugei -** This is stupid Bjorn, even for you.  
  
**From : Genetor [billthesomething](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/354196/)**  
  
Abbadon  
  
Do your arms hurt?

 **Abaddon -** Occasionally. But only after sparring with either Khârn, Sigismund, or an exceptionally annoying Ork. Why do you ask ?  
Honestly, I’m much more concerned by Calgar the Armless.  
**Bjorn -** ^_^  
**Abaddon -** Bjorn no.  
**Bjorn -** He should’ve stayed out of arm’s way.  
**Khârn -** Stop.  
**Bjorn -** The situation clearly went out of hand.  
**Abaddon -** Bjoooorn...  
**Bjorn -** He should have known there was deviltry afoot. He'd have had a leg up on it.  
**Khârn** _snaps -_ BJOOOOOOOORN !  
  
**From : Servitor[feral wolfskin](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/302922/)**  
  
01001000 01101111 01101110 01101111 01110010 01100001 01100010 01101100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01100101 01100011 01101000 01110000 01110010 01101001 01100101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101101 01101110 01101001 01110011 01110011 01101001 01100001 01101000 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101100 01100101 00101100 00100000 01100110 01100101 01101101 01100001 01101100 01100101 00101100 00100000 01100010 01101111 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101110 01100101 01101001 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00111111

Cogboy : 01011001 01100101 01110011 00101110

** From : Xenos about to be Exterminated [poketwo](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/322789/) **

“Dear hunam  
We of the [REDACTED] Star empire have decided to invade you lot. Your blatant arrogance, hostility, and mocking of our lack of opposable appendages are the reasons for this. You claim to Have "Over a million worlds", but your army is the size of a planet-bound empire. Your bluster is clearly a bluff, a facade, meant to scare away any relevant galatic power. You have fooled those idiots around us, but not our superior minds. We shall conquer Terra, and you will be enslaved. Your empire is no match for our 1,000 light-year territory! HAIL SCYTHIA, GLORY TO [REDACTED]!"

 **Ahriman -** Hey Dantioch, there are Xenos from your side of the Great Crusade talking shit !  
**Barabas Dantioch** -  I’m sure Perturabo will come up with the most creatively efficient way to end them.  
  
**From : Remembrancer[Shadaki](https://forums.spacebattles.com/members/376007/)**  
  
Ahriman, Khârn, you've been Space Marines for as long as the Legio Astartes have existed. What do you think are some of the most interesting events that have happened over the course of the Great Crusade?  
Also, What happened to II and XI?

 **Ahriman -** Well, usually Crusading is pretty boring  
**Khârn -** It’s pretty much land, crush, reembark. Occasionally the Orks prove slightly more annoying, but in the end, it’s just that. The eldar sometimes decide to annoy us, but we let the Imperial Army take care of the knife-eared pricks.  
**Ahriman -** Aside from when Primarchs are discovered. When we first met Magnus… It was as if the great fear of our legion had been lifted. Well, to be fair, it was technically exactly that, our curse was lifted. So there’s that.  
**Khârn -** You were lucky. When we picked up Angron, he was nowhere happy. He was significantly angrier than his later average.  
**Ahriman -** As for II and XI, there never were legions by this name. They totally never existed! (*looks to the sides, concerned*)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahriman and Bjorn were written more by me than by Karolus.  
> And conversely, Yesugei is more of his character.


	2. Ahriman Steals the Audience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not cannon. It was an April Fools' Day chapter. So it's entirely crackish.
> 
> I do not own any of the characters. Nor the jokes. Can you even own a joke ?

“Bjorn, stop poisoning my poison!” slurred drunkenly Ahriman.  
  
“Whaat ?” yawned the Space Wolf.  
  
“I’ve seen you put ale in my ale !” answered the Terran. After finishing the tenth video, most of the Astartes had left, having things to do before the next day. However, Bjorn and Ahriman had started a drinking context, however, which showed no signs of abating, even after two hours.  
  
“When ?”  
  
“You admit it !”  
  
“Damn you witch !”  
  
“Aaarh… Can I borrow your armor Bjorn ? Mine is full of bees...”  
  
“Hey Ahriman… Can you steal stuff ?”  
  
“Whaaaaa ?”  
  
“Can you steal stuff? Ya magpies stole thingies, but never you.”  
  
“I don’t steal. I’m honest, honest.”  
  
“You can’t steal ! You’re too much of a NEEEEERD !” insinuated the Space Wolf.  
  
“I can steal ! I just don’t !” groaned Ahriman. He tumbled back to the table where there was more beer, intending to warpfuck Bjorn’s next ale. After half a thought, he bumped into Bjorn. Seconds later, Bjorn discovered Ahriman had swiped his lightning claw.  
  
“That doesn’t count, any idiot could do that !”  
  
“You know what, Bjorn? Fuck you!” Ahriman turned to Bjorn, spilling a few pints of ale, and placed his hands one above the other. The scenery shifted, as if inside a sphere. To Bjorn, a sphere of warp energy had appeared between the Thousand Son’s hands, opening a window to grey-skinned humans wearing shades, appearing to be watching. “I JUST STOLE THE AUDIENCE !”  
  
At this moment, someone knocked on the door and shouted “Ahzek Ahriman, First Captain of the XV Legio Astartes! You broke the Lex Imperialis, you have 20 seconds to surrender to the Authorities!”  
  
“Oh, come on!” he shouted. “My brothers are constantly stealing, and the first time I do it, I get arrested?! NO!! SCREW THE LAW!!”  
  
“Ten Seconds!”  
  
Ahriman grabbed Bjorn and used him as a shield.  
  
“I have a hostage!”  
  
“All those helping you in resisting arrest shall be considered guilty of aiding a criminal.”  
  
“What?” was all Bjorn managed to say.  
  
“I won’t surrender.”  
  
“Time is over! Ahzek Ahriman, it’s judgement time.” And as he said this the door blew up and a Custodian entered the room, Guardian Spear in hand, with one quick blow he managed to incapacitate Ahriman.  
  
“In the name of the Emperor of Mankind, I, Shield-Captain Kittonius, arrest you, Ahzek Ahriman, for breaking Law number 132154123 of the Lex Imperialis.”  
  
After a short moment, while Ahriman was being shackled by the Custodian, Bjorn turned to the warp sphere, and said, “Do you know why it’s hard to joke with kleptomaniacs ? Because they always take things literally.”  
  
**Cegorach -** _ **BAZINGA !**_


	3. 10.5 - The Second Battle of Ullanor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written almost integrally by me. Which doesn't mean Karolus's contribution was negligible, far from that. He provided me with a storyline that felt right and helped me dose the jokes. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters. Neither does Karolus.

It had been a tiresome day for First Captain Kor Phaeron and First Chaplain Erebus of the Word Bearers. Not only had the Triumph taken far too long - and it had been exhausting to hide their true allegiance from the Anathema for that duration - but Barthusa Narek had disappeared shortly after the end of the dog-and-pony show, leaving them to be responsible for all the degradations caused by Narek’s marines.

Of course, they weren’t going to complain about it. It was better that they, accustomed to hiding their nature from psykers, go to the Triumph, rather than their primarch Lorgar, who, despite all the power he had acquired thanks to the Four, was still not ready to fool the Anathema, and would probably have given himself out involuntarily in a number of ways before the day ended. No, definitely it was better that he had stayed out there, claiming he was pacifying a particularly difficult planet.

Anyway, they were returning to their temporary lodgings planetside. Kor Phaeron’s mind was already set on how to organise the departure, so that they could do something more useful than the Anathema’s propaganda, like spreading the Primordial Truth.

They entered the blocky building, constructed in order to house five Astartes. Three of the habitations had been left empty, because they were the two most important people in the XVIIth Legion, it was but natural that they be given extra living space.

Erebus closed the door, and froze when he heard something out of place. A whine. The whine characteristic of… Probably mechadendrites, his augmented senses told him. Strange. Amongst the serfs the XVIIth legion had taken with them for this cosmetic display, there certainly were no servants of the Machine God. A quick check with his psychic senses told him there was nobody there, but that nobody felt wrong. As if someone had been trying to hide.

Erebus rapidly signalled to Kor Phaeron that there was something suspicious in the building and he was going to investigate it. As he grew closer to the origin of the whine, he was suddenly surprised by a Space Marine jumping in his direction, power claw and heavy bolter in hand. Bjorn the Fell-Handed.

The Space Wolf’s bolter was fired twice rapidly, and its shells buzzed dangerously close to the Dark Apostle’s helmetless forehead. Erebus decided to do the only rational thing in this situation. Book it. And he started running, with the Fenrisian at his heels. Kor Phaeron soon rushed behind the First Chaplain, feeling just as threatened by the copiously swearing barbarian as Erebus.

Back at the building, Ahzek Ahriman cursed under his breath. Bjorn’s outright reckless attitude at killing traitors had blown part of their plan away. Sighing, Ahriman checked the direction in which the Word Bearers had fled, and signalled the Astartes which had taken position in said direction, before getting to follow the traitor, tech-priest and Abaddon in tow.

In the distance, he could hear Erebus’s powerful voice yelling a powerful “AMBUSH!”. Ah well, here's to hoping Khârn and Sevatar would have more luck than him and Abaddon.

 

Bjorn stopped right clean when the two traitors - traitors to their blood, traitors to the Allfather - were forced to end the chase by Khârn - angry bastard, but damn efficient - and Sevatar - who looked too damn happy. He would love to test his mettle against those two on the fighting pits when all of this was done and finished with.

Khârn revved up his chainaxe in a low-pitched whirring sound and leapt at the right traitor, who blocked with his lightning claws. Would the traitor use his flamer? And he did. Only a short burst though. The power armor was barely scratched. That meant he could still go for the flamer himself and blow up the traitor. The left bastard though didn’t seem to be that good at close combat, seeing as Sevatar’s chainglaive had just cut the staff he wielded in half.

At this point more Word Bearers started arriving from behind Sevatar and Khârn. And they didn’t seem happy. “Treason!” yelled one of them. “To arms! ” yelled another.

But to a warrior of Fenris, there was nothing to do but take that in stride. After all, traitor kills still counted towards the kill tally.

 

Abaddon arrived to the site of the battle, now swarming with Word Bearers. Obviously going for the leaders would not suffice. After all, they were trying to rescue the leaders, just going after those would only make them angrier. Besides, their cries were gathering ever more Astartes.

Then it happened.

“Blood for the Blood God !” yelled one of the Word Bearers.

A feeling of instinctual revulsion spread across the crowd of legionnaires of various Legions that had assembled. Soon the Word Bearers were the only ones still pushing towards Erebus and Kor Phaeron. Meanwhile, the berzerker tore into the fight, striking with his chainsword into Sevatar’s back, and forcing Khârn to turn his chainaxe against the Khornate.

Erebus slipped into the group of Word Bearers, but as Kor Phaeron prepared to stab Khârn’s now turned back, Abaddon lighted his powersword and blocked the lightning claws, while one of Bjorn’s bolter rounds finally hit into the Word Bearer’s other arm’s flamer, making it explode, taking the arm alongside it.

The duel between the First Captain of the Word Bearers and that of the Luna Wolves only intensified as the sounds of incoming reinforcement came.

 

Shield-Captain Kittonius sighed. What was going on _again_ with those crazy-ass Astartes? Couldn’t they just enjoy a good victory? No, they had to get drunk and start a brawl and make a mess. They were proving even less sensible than a bunch of Ork Madboyz drunk on shroom beer. At times, he wished he and his brethren could deal with them behind the shed, like they had for the Thunder Warriors. But, without orders, he’d just have to beat the sense into them. Five or six Custodians would probably be enough.

After pondering whether to warn the Emperor of what was happening down on Ullanor, Kittonius decided against. No point in bothering the Master of Mankind with such petty affairs.

He arrived to the site of a very disturbing battle. Deformed Word Bearers, led by their First Chaplain and First Captain, were fighting against legionaries from almost every Imperial legion. There seemed to be two Dark Angels though, and no one from _that_ Legion.

Nathaniel Garro and Artellus Numeon were peppering with powersword strikes and powerhammer blows one bloated Word Bearer, who bore silently their strikes and simply carried on despite the mounting damage.

Targutai Yesugei assisted Ahzek Ahriman in annihilating any psykers the enemy seemed to be able to throw at them. But their strength was reaching its limits, it was just the two of them against a horde of strange creatures coming from the warp.

Khârn and Sevatar fought, chainweapon to chainweapon, two berzerkers, whose crazed strikes they seemed to be barely able to block.

Vespasian and Sigismund were duelling with the Word Bearer’s champions, who seemed to be gaining in experience at an unusual rate.

Ezekyle Abaddon himself was fighting Kor Phaeron, who had lost an arm and _still_ managed to hold his own and push him back. That situation was not good at all. And then, that cry. “Skulls for the Skull Throne” had bellowed one of the berzerkers. That was not natural. Those Word Bearers were not in their normal state. The Emperor had to know of that. But first…

“Custodians! To arms! **For the Emperor!** ”

Kittonius charged into the foray, hoping to stop the eighteen Astartes from falling to the Word Bearer tide. Even if there were legionaries outside said tide fighting to rescue their officers, they hadn’t made much headway.

 

A message appeared from the dataslate the Emperor was reading on, while sitting on a golden throne. After checking the headlines of the day - Angron managing to recruit an Ork Waagh just by swearing, no less - he touched the message icon, which was flashing with a very satisfying golden glow.

«Word Bearers initiated brawl on surface. Reported warcries include “blood for the blood god” and “skulls for the skull throne”. Requesting reinforcement. S.-C. Kittonius.»

Oh no. Not the reality cancer club. For Terra’s sake, they wouldn’t dare to…

He really shouldn’t have eaten that taco.

But it certainly looked like they had.

He would have to make a point to the Four. He hated the idea of another son lost to those creatures, but it seemed like there would be a third black pennant at Macragge Civitas.

But first, he had to address whatever was going on on Ullanor.

 

The drop pod falling in the middle of the melee wasn’t absolutely surprising. The battle had gone on for long enough that the Primarchs themselves had started getting involved, and by the crackling of flames and distant crunching sounds, it seemed like the Salamanders had joined the battle en masse. It was but normal for the legionnaires to get reinforcement. To Kor Phaeron, that was an opportunity. Distract Abaddon, kill the Astartes in the pod, use it to go back into orbit, and then flee the hell to Lorgar.

Except it was not a group of Astartes that left the drop pod. It was a giant in golden armor, flaming sword in hand. It was a golden light illuminating the immaterium. It was the father Lorgar once venerated as his god. It was the Anathema.

Before long, the Anathema grabbed Kor Phaeron by the throat, as a massive golden **_presence_ ** just burrowed through his mind, leaving it a wreck.

“ **TRAITOR!** **_HERETIC!_ ** ”

The blast of golden light that ensued completely destroyed, and Kor Phaeron’s body, and his soul. At the same moment, Magnus the Red picked the baton from his increasingly tired First Captain and fried the brain of the Word Bearers’ psykers, releasing their daemons back to the warp. There was another golden flash, and the Word Bearers’ berzerkers, champions and the hulking monstrosity started collapsing, while the Emperor began slashing at the rest of them with his massive fiery sword.

Only one Word Bearer on Ullanor did not die that day, and his name was Barthusa Narek.


	4. Astartes Answers II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More answers to questions. You are welcome to ask some more.
> 
> I do not own the characters. We did however come up with most of the jokes.

**From : Perpetual**  [ **Shiva**](https://www.alternatehistory.com/forum/members/81884/)

Hello Space Marines, I am a Perpetual who wishes to remain anonymous for the moment and I have a question for you, along with some tidbits of human history.

Don't you find it strange that your Emperor rules your Imperium as a monarchy? One thing I got to witness firsthand on Ancient Terra (and several worlds that have regressed to more primitive states) is that virtually all Princes, Kings, Emperors, etc. have ALWAYS claimed a divine mandate to legitimize their rule. The earliest tribal kings were considered living Gods by their vassals, when monotheistic faiths came in vogue the Kings claimed to have their rights granted to them by 'God', even when monarchies on Ancient Terra were stripped of their power and became symbolic ornaments of democracies they still retained much of their mystical clap-trap out of vestigial fear of losing their crowns.

And now 'Marcus' (your Emperor was using this alias when I first met him) rules the largest Empire in human history... But He denies being Divine, and denies that the Divine exists. So the real question is, if your monarch is not Divine and has no Divine mandate or faith in any divinity at all and is simply a Man and nothing more, why bother to serve him at all?

 **Ahriman** : Well, this is a surprisingly philosophic question compared to those we had last time. Maybe there’s still hope for this Galaxy.  
 **Yesugei** : You don’t need a divine mandate to rule. All you need is a vision. The Emperor has said vision - a vision of Mankind ruling united over the Galaxy, free of Xeno tyranny. It is our manifest destiny.

 **From : Unknown**  [ **Badass6969**](https://www.alternatehistory.com/forum/members/84420/)

Dear Space Marines, I have no wish to discuss my identity, but merely wish to ask you all one question.

After all the conquests are done and enemies of mankind are defeated. What will you do with your lives from then on in a time of lasting peace?

 **Sigismund** : It’s likely that, even if Mankind no longer has enemies, we’ll spend the rest of our lives crushing rebellions.  
 **Marius** : Well, there’ll always be paperwork to be filled, and Ultramarines to fill it.  
 **Santar** : Most likely we will spend our time improving cybernetic technology.  
 **Dantioch:** We will probably either coordinate with the Mechanicus to improve Imperial technology or spend our fulfilling our Primarch infrastructure projects.  
 **Ahriman** : Probably just some warp experimentation of some kind.  
 **Artellus :** I’ll be taking the “Holiday on Commoragh - Burning Dark Eldar” holiday package with Vulkan.

_Meanwhile, at the back of the room, Bjorn, Abaddon, Khârn, Nev and Sevatar looked at each other uncomfortably._

**From : Explorer Admiral Alexis “Samsara123” Russo**

PRIORITY MESSAGE

  * ••••••• Verdigris IX••••••••••••



Imm 666th explorator fleet

We have unearthed a Complete Medical STC ARCHIVE(Classified PANACEA) and CONSTRUCTOR complete with compounds for cure to various sicknesses, please send assistance immediately!

Repeat we need assistance an Ork Waagh is bearing down on the system we need any imperial Forces available to secure STC! We don't have enough troops to hold off Ork waagh!

Explorator admiral: Russo Alexis

 **Cogboy:** A Complete STC Archive ...

_He whispered those words with his cybernetic eyes glowing a scary red._

**Dantioch :** Time to call the Legion, we have technology to save !

**From : Inquisition recruiter Clayware**

Narek, as the possibly sole loyalist of the Word Bearers what are your plans for the future? And considering the disgrace your Primarch and legionaries are would you consider helping to founding or joining some kind of organization dedicated to purging Chaos?

 **Narek :** While I certainly hope that other members of the Word Bearers have remained loyal to the Emperor and kept their faith in Him, I guess it’s possible that I be the sole remaining loyalist. In this case, joining an organisation aimed at what was the downfall of my primarch ? That would make sense.

 **From : Sanctioned Psyker**  [ **Badass6969**](https://www.alternatehistory.com/forum/members/84420/)

Ahzek Ahriman, what is your full opinion on all the daemons and foul sorceries you have just witnessed used by the Word Bearers?

 **Ahriman** : First of all, highly inefficient.  
Second, terrifying. I didn’t know human limbs could bend this way and stay attached.  
Third, yeah… I’m never messing with stuff I don’t understand… again. Then again… never is a very long time…  
 **Bjorn** : This is why people are scared of you witches

 **From : Imperial Citizen**  [ **Clayware**](https://www.alternatehistory.com/forum/members/87204/)

For the Custodes considering your creation by the Emperor how do you regard the Primarchs and Astartes in family sort of sense? For example are the Astartes sort of like wild young brothers?

 **Kittonius** : They are just the Emperor’s current toys, the moment he’s bored with them we will just kill them.  
 **Some SM** : WHAT?!?!?!  
 **Kittonius :** You heard nothing.  
 **Ahriman** : You know, I heard death is not all it’s cracked up to be.

 **From : Future Solitaire**  [ **Samsara123**](https://www.alternatehistory.com/forum/members/102006/)

Greetings space marines of the Anathema, I send this message on behalf of the Black Library and the laughing God Cegorach, we have successfully rescue a large number of his biological children who call themselves Sensei from being murdered by the inquisition and we wish to kindly ask that he picks them up at his greatest convenience

 **Everyone :** The Emperor has biological children ?  
 **Whamuudes** _snickers in arousal_  
 **Kittonius :** What is that sound you just made?  
 **Wamuudes :** Nothing! Nothing at all!!!  
 **Artellus :** It’s an Eldar. He’s probably lying.

**From : Blood Raven Librarian “Rjrulew” Book**

Ahriman It is I brother Book of the Blood Ravens, here to ask you a question I find pressing. What is too far from morality when done in pursuit of knowledge? At what length are prospective actions irreconcilable to the value of Knowledge?

 **Ahriman :** Knowledge is a worthy excuse for many things, but it can not excuse betrayal. So, whatever you do, try to make sure not to harm any allies or worse, brothers.

**From : Governor Varras “@Virian” the Mad of Tethax 4**

Greetings to you most noble Custodes.

Ever since I was little I had heard of the Great Custodes, the Emperor's Chosen Guards and their strength in battle from stories the Elders told me when I was little.

As I grew older I wished to hear more of them and spent a not inconsiderable amount of time and money in order to find more of them and details about the Emperor's guardians. I have never been so disappointed when I found out they have not even left the palace since The Age of Apostasy.

I was however overjoyed when I received the opportunity of writing this letter and know it won't be destroyed in transit.

My questions for your most noble self are simple however but would help my old heart find peace in its last moments.

1\. How does one become a Custodes?

2\. Can my nephew become one? He is my little joy in life but has not shown talent in politics and intrigue so I cannot leave him my domain, in fear that he will be assasinated the week after he receives it.

3\. Why have you not graced the Imperium with your presence for so long?

4\. Is your armor really gold suffused with the Emperor's divine might or another metal that simply shares the color?

5\. Can Custodes have kids?

I would be most overjoyed if I could see these questions, which have plagued my mind for so much time, answered.

Respectfully,

Varras the Mad, Planet Governor of Tethax 4, Located in Segmentum Pacificus. 

**Kittonius** : Alright. In order.

  1. Just go to the Legio Custodes Recruitment Center in Terra, that is open every first Thursday of the Month
  2. If said nephew isn’t a teen, then he can join. If he passes our tests, of course. If he fails, he will still find employment, but as a servitor.
  3. Our loyalty is to our King, not to the Imperium.
  4. We use auremite.
  5. No.



**Wamuudes** , _under his breath_ : And not for lack of trying.

**From : Strategos “Captain” Titus**

to Abaddon

why didn't you bring in the rest of the Mournival?

a curious strategist

 **Abbadon :** Because I didn’t want to share the glory, obviously.  
 **Ahriman :** WHAT ? You told us they were injured after an arm wrestling competition !  
 **Abbadon :** Well, for what it’s worth, Sejanus was injured.  
 **Ahriman :** HE ARRIVED WITH T’KAR TWO MINUTES INTO THE BATTLE !  
 **Abbadon** _starts to whistle innocently._

**From : Chaplain SairasKynx**

Dear Ahzek Ahriman..........

Of all the Death Guard you admire, who would you pick?

With some respect, a Raven Guard Chaplain.

 **Ahriman :** I haven’t had much contact with the Death Guard - given their anti-psyker stance and their liberal use of Pariahs, they’re not much fun to be around - but I’m quite impressed by Garro. If everyone had had his ethics (Ahriman looks at Bjorn and Abbadon) the Great Crusade would be long since finished.

**From : Farseer hector barrera**

Dear Ahriman......

Did the primarchs or any of you found out the daemon living inside Fulrim's Laer sword... 

Also one for Kharn "What's Angron's favorite sitcom?"

 **Ahriman** : What’s a Laer Sword ?  
 **Sigismund** : I assume it’s a sword made by the Laer.  
 **Ahriman** : What, in the name of Leman Russ’ over inflated ego, are the Laer?  
 **Vespasian** : Don’t know, but when my Legion finds them I will make sure that my Primarch won’t get near any sword.  
 **Khârn** : As for Angron, it’s “How I met your Emperor.”

**From : Archmagos Starmaker764**

Dear Barbarus Dantioch

Is it true your father Perturabo spends most of his time playing tabletop games with hyper realistic models?

-A very curious archmagos

 **Dantioch :** There is no substantial evidence to that effect.  
 **Ahriman :** You know, my Primarch has shown me a picture of him and Perturabo playing.  
 **Dantioch :** SHUT UP !  
 **Ahriman :** Perturabo was clearly experienced, since he was winning....  
 **Bjorn :** Nerds... 

**From : Daemon yangfromyin**

Dear Khârn,

Why did you forsake our lord? You would have been a Prince among us, Commanding vast armies that swore themselves to you.

-That one surprisingly intelligent Bloodthirster

 **Khârn :** Your Lord is not mine, never was, never will be. I will stand unbowed, only loyal to my Emperor, my Primarch, and my friends.

 **From Imperial Citizen** ~~**Absolutely not Malcador**~~ **World Weaver**

Dear Everyone.

when will you smack your Primarchs to convince them to smack the Emperor to convince him to get laid and relax for oh idk a few hours or something. he seriously needs either a good laid in the bed, a chill pill, or a therapist.

-from a random ass hive whose name has been forgotten

 **Kharn:** We are preparing a family vacation for him to relax. It’s the full Colchis Vacation Package, Cathedral Destruction, Traitor Murdering and all beverages included.  
 **Bjorn:** All beverages?  
 **Kharn:** Your Legion wasn’t invited.

**From : Imperial Army Sergeant Amused Bystander**

Dear Ahriman,

Just how pervasive is the kleptomania of the Thousand Sons Legion? My commanding officer still suspects you guys being the ones who took all the Baneblades in our division and we would like to have them back.

sincerely, a concerned Sergeant of the Imperial Army

 **Ahriman :** I don’t think we have Baneblades.

_(psychic phone ring)_

**Ahriman :** Father ?  
 **Magnus** : Yes Ahriman ?  
 **Ahriman** : Are there any Baneblades on the Photep ?  
 **Magnus :** Yes, a hundred. T’kar says we got them as a gift.

**Ahriman** _facepalms._

**From : Wannabe Daemon God Jonofthezombie**

To all believers in the Imperial Truth

Just wanted to thank you all. Your staunch belief that there are no gods has caused my power to grow beyond my wildest imaginings.

Necoho

 **Narek** : Fuck you, I believe in the God-Emperor.  
 **Sigismund :** It’s because of that that this mess started.  
 **Narek** : Personal belief that the Emperor is a god doesn’t have to be exteriorised in the form of organised religion.

**From : Alternate Astartes Baqi “The Extranatural” Sindile**

To every Astartes who had seen the future,

By now, the Imperial censors of this era would have prevented me from voicing out my opinion but please hear me.

As of this moment, I am attempting to get back to my universe where my Legion is not yet destroyed and the Great Crusade had not begun. I intend to bring the Ancient's recordings and written works in regards to how our galaxy will be plunged into darkness by those tumors within that damnable Warp. So far, my friends in this alternate dimension are making some progress in finding a way by using an unknown Xenotech that allows us to go to different realities aside from what they dubbed this dimension as the "40K Universe". Multiverse technology according to this realm's scientists and technologists is an odd thing and we've been trying to look for the correct 40K universe before the Crusade happened but ended up opening paths to different universes. Hopefully, we don't end up finding a horrid reality where humanity became extinct or turned into violent salt monsters.

While I am a lowly Astartes Legionnaire from a Legion that will stop existing at some point, I intend to bring with me the knowledge of the past that the Ancients from the Black Library Publications to stop the darkest future from happening. The question however, is that how will I be able to present this to my Liege?

Better yet, how will I be able to explain my return to them? My last action was that I had to stop a rad missile from destroying a settlement on Terra during the unification wars by boarding it from mid-air before detonating the damned thing with a clutch of assorted grenades I could get my hands on. By now, I'm marked as dead by everyone.

Could you help a fellow brother over here?

Baqi Sindile, Legio XI Astartes

Currently in a dimension where the Warp isn't volatile and Orks and Eldars do not exist

P.S. - I understand if this communique gets censured. My legion must have done something heinous to deserve it and I'm not holding it against you. If those tumors tell you all that they are the only way to power, do not give in to them. I've seen humans acquiring great powers without licking their feet and becoming their cattle. I've also seen humans that are powerful wielders of the supernatural arts that did not use the Warp as its source.

_Everyone refuses to answer because the Custodes activated their weapons the moment the person asking the question said he was from the XI Legion._

**Bjorn :** Sounds like I’ll have to clear time for another session in the Mind Cleanser... _Sighs_

**From : Future Ahzek Ahriman (under the alias of Captain Titus)**

Dear past me:

Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, use some kind of Rubric to get rid of the Flesh-Change unless Magnus and\or The Emperor are there for reinforcement.

Future Ahriman

P.S. If it backfires, included is a map that charts a good majority of the Webway, and could possibly end up leading you to the Black Library of the Eldar (unlike myself)

 **Ahriman** : Oh cool, a map of the webway. Why aren’t the gates’ planet names written though ?  
…  
Wait, the flesh-change is coming back ?  
 **Bjorn :** Flesh-Change? What’s that?  
 **Ahriman :** NOTHING!!  
 **Bjorn** _thinks audibly_ : Oh, like the Wulfen, then.

**From : A bit more future Ahzek Ahriman (under the alias of DuskDawnAndFate)**

Dear past me:

Please sign up on the webway site for the Black Library for your library card! They used to take subscriptions back before the 32nd Millennium through their site! Do it now and never lose that card! Limitless knowledge would be available to you if you get that card! Then the damn clown can't keep us out!

Future Ahriman

 **Ahriman :** So there is a “Black Library” in the Webway, and it works like an actual library ? **  
Yesugei :** Didn’t expect it ? ****  
Ahriman : I don’t usually expect things to make sense, when it comes to the warp or the webway.

**From : Ultramarine Captain Titus “yangfromyin”**

To Master Gage,

Can you please inform the Primarch to explicitly state that our codex is meant to be suggestions and not absolutes? I think it's destroying what little brains our men still have.

Former Second Company Captain Titus

 **Marius** : What is this Codex that destroys brains ?  
 **Dark Angel** : It might be a Rangdan artifact.  
 **Marius** : Why would we use a Rangdan book?  
 **Dark Angel** : Over the course of ten millennia, they probably lost the Original Codex, and replaced it, by mistake, with a Rangdan artifact.  
 **Marius** : No one could be that stu...actually, they are probably stupid enough to do that.

**From : Ice Cube Prince84**

Dear Anyone who ever talks to Our father the Emperor

Please relay this to our Father.

When will you be sending us our orders? We have been waiting at the south pole for several centuries now and we think you would be pleased with our efforts to arm ourselves from the schematics you left in our care.

We have also preserved your favorite tanker trailer of radioactive tequila you left behind when you made us.

Ever Loyally Yours

The Frozen Legion

P.S. Do you think our warm blooded cousins would enjoy some FISH?

 **Sigismund:** The what?

 **Karstodes:** I can answer that question, but then I will have to kill you.

 **Bjorn :** Good thing there already was one question to make me use the Mind Cleanser.

 **Karstodes** : I will still kill you if you know anything about them, Emperor’s orders.

**From : Imperial Citizen Shaggy IrvingMorrel1**

Dear Ahriman, Why did your legion steal the Space Wolves Russy Snacks?

_On the Photep_

**Thousand Son :** Hey, there are doggy biscuits in the Baneblades !

_Back on Ullanor_

**Bjorn** : You are dead, I will give you 5 seconds to run away before I shove my powerclaw into your throat  
 **Abaddon** _clocks_ **Bjorn** _on the head with a newsslate_

**From : Sapient Dolphin H550**

Dear Everyone,

Have you finished destroying all the water? Wondering how you are still alive.

Sincerely,

The Dolphin

P.S. Thanks for all the fish!

 **Artellus:** Didn’t the Eldar steal all the water on Terra during the Age of Strife?  
 **Abbadon:** According to Imperial Propaganda they did.  
 **Artellus:** We should kill them for it.  
 **Abbadon:** We are already doing it.  
 **Artellus:** Gooooooood.

**From : Pervert Captain Titus**

To Constantine, Karius, Whamusus, and Disistan 

Did you guys watch the other episodes already

A curious watcher

 **Kittonius :** Captain-General Valdor is not present with us at this moment, being with our Liege. And no we haven’t watched them, we don’t know what you are talking about. Space Marines, what Episodes is he talking about?  
 **Ahriman :** They are a ride of disappointment and self discovery, specially about how stupid the Imperium is going to become.  
 **Kittonius :** Interesting, send them to the Bucephelus, our Liege will probably be interested in them.

**From : Archmagos-Professor Janus**

Dear Kittonius "Kitten" <Insert the full name here>.

Don't Custodes suits/armor have an automatic dress and lockdown procedure to make sure that they can be quickly put on automatically and can't be taken off the wearer while retaining full maneuverability?

And can be remotely activated to encapsulate the nearest Custodes?

\- Professor A. C.T.T.T. Janus, ArchMagos

 **Kittonius:** I’m not authorized to share the specs of our armours.

**From : Pervert MrHobbit**

Dear Custodians,

Do you have any idea what happened to your Dreadnoughts in the stripper future you have?

From,

An extremely curious outsider

 **Kittonius, Karstodes** _and_ **Custodisi,** _disgusted_ : Stripper future ?  
 **Whamuudes,** _under his breath_ : Oh my...

**From : Future Lord Cypher ‘bissek’**

Dear Lion'El,

Could you please instruct your children on the importance of owning up to their mistakes? They've spent millennia trying to keep anyone outside the Legion (as well as a good portion of those in it) from learning about Luther's actions at the end of the Crusade, and it would do everyone a world of good if they could just fess up, move on with their lives, and do something more productive with their time.

-Lord Cypher

 **Dark Angel,** _to_ **Alpha Legionnaire :** I hate it when my mail gets lost.

 **Dark Angel** _muttering not so discretely_ : Luther? What is he going to do? I must prepare an overcomplicated plan to find what he’s going to do and prepare 50 contingency plans to stop him.

 **Alpha Legionnaire:** That sounds amazing! Can I help ?

 **Dark Angel:** Sure, you look like a trustworthy person.

 **From :** ~~**Bjorn**~~ **A concerned Space Marine claiming to be Captain Titus**

To the Emperor 

Is it possible to have precognitive abilities if you're not a Psyker?

Bjorn

 **Arhiman :** You wrote this one didn’t you?  
 **Bjorn** : No!! I would never do it!  
 _whispers_ can you please answer…  
 **Yesugei** : Of course not. Not as long as you can’t move things with your mind.  
 _Telepathically, to_ **Ahriman** : We need to find a way to break it to him without him going berzerk.  
 **Ahriman,** _telepathically_ : That we do.

**From : Flame Falcons Battle-Brother Artellus “Jonofthezombie”**

To whom it may concern.

SOMEBODY PUT ME OUT!!!!!!

Brother Artellus

Flame Falcons 2nd company

 **Artellus Numeon :** Who in the name of the Emperor are the Flame Falcons?  
 **Sigismund :** Maybe a future Salamanders Chapter? It looks like he’s stuck somewhere.  
 **Artellus** : Probably got lost in a Promethium mine.

**From : Imperial Citizen hector barrera**

Dear Jago Sevatarion

How does the judicial system work on Nostromo? Was Konny basically the only judge, were people would just drag others to him to see if they were guilty? Also who were the targets of your primarch's 'hauntings'? Was it just the murders, rapists, and people along those lines who got killed, or did he also kill people for loitering and littering?

Signed: A concerned and scared Nostraman citizen who accidently; accidentally okay; threw a metal can into a trash can instead of the recycling bin.

PS I heard you've been having seriously bad headaches, are you OK? If so, may I suggest bird watching, it always helps me calm down; of course I only see crows, but it's fine they're cool birds.

PPS We're currently having a major infestion of strange gaint bats that have a skull formation on their fur on chests... It's freaking everyone out.... can you please send someone to deal with them? The super rabies have been sky-rocketing lately, and they have just been biting the shit out of everyone.

PPPS Last one I swear. Have you ever gotten nicknames similar to these, and if so may I use them?: Sevy, "JAGA", Jagotar, 'Jagotarion', J-bird, crow boy, "the" crow, the snark knight, and robin.

 **Sevatar :** I don’t know who you are, but I’m going to find you, and I’m going to kill you for using the wrong recycling bin.  
 **Artellus :** Isn’t that a bit excessive ?  
 **Sevatar :** Recycling isn’t a joking matter. Plus according to the Nostraman Penal Code using the Wrong Bin is a offense punishable with summary execution.  
 **Artellus :** Is there a single offense that isn’t punishable with summary execution ?  
 **Sevatar :** Yes, you will only be tortured for sneezing in public.

**From : Future Ahzek Ahriman “Janous91”**

To my past self

find and kill fabius bile immediately before he no no no no, no no no no **no no no no** **no whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy**

[Uncontrollable crying]

Dictated to a slave but not read

Sincerely yours,

Ahzek Ahriman of the prodigal sons warband

 **Bjorn** : Future you have many nicknames, Ahriman.  
 **Ahriman** : I guess it’s to be able to send several messages.  
 **Vespasian** : The real question is, what did Bile do ?  
 **Ahriman** : If it brought me to crying, I don’t want to know. *shudder*

**From : Future Bjorn the Fell-Handed “Wind Tempest”**

To Bjorn,

Don't skip leg day and work on your storytelling skills.

-Bjorn

 **Bjorn** : I never skip leg day.

**From : Imperial Citizen Chojomeka**

To Kittonius,

When was the last time you sent Mum Everest a present?

\- a concerned mother

 **Kittonius :** I have no idea about what you are talking about.

**From : Imperial Citizen StarMaker764**

Dear custodes

Is it true your loyalty to the emperor comes from having sexually confused feelings for him?

-a unhealthily curious squat

 **Custodes :** We are going to find you and kill you.

 **Whamuudes:** That’s true. _Other Custodes give him a side look_. I mean, no! That’s a lie! I’m loyal to My Liege! And it has nothing about my sexually confused feelings about him!

_The Astartes look at each other disgusted._

  **From : C’tan “The Plauge Dragon”**

Dear Tech-Preists

I am Magladroth, the last C'tan. I am the Omnissiah. I can control all tech at a whim. I am what is hidden under Mars. I you do worship tech, then remember this: I COMMAND YOU TO INNOVATE!!!!

 **Cogboy :** Not the right person to tell this to. You are preaching to the choir. If you want to tell this to anyone, send the message to Mars, those idiots couldn’t innovate even if the True Omnissiah showed in front of them and kicked them in the butt .

**From : Curious Khornate MrControll**

To whom it may concern:

Why Korn love ponies?

-An unsettlingly curious individual.

 **Kharn :** Who is Korn? And what are ponies?  
 **Bjorn** : At a glance ? Because they taste good with popkorn.  
 **Cogboy** : I actually have a picture of the miniature mounts known as a pony.

[ Image, warning only press if you want to be traumatise ](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/MEcqrjTeQTQ/hqdefault.jpg)

**Khârn** : WHAT. THE. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ?  
 **Kittonius** _snorts._

**From : Lord Castellan Ursakar E. “The Plauge Dragon” Creed**

Dear Abaddon - Have you ever been to Cadia?

-Creed

 **Abaddon :** Where’s that ?

_Nobody answered, for lack of knowledge about it._

**From : Prefect Mahur “Mr Magi”, Administratum**

**To: Captain-General Kittonius (Sent erroneously to the past via failed Astropathic messaging)**

**Subject: Reports on Newest Task, Formal Complaint**

We have managed to finish part one of the Man-Emperor's glorious task of writing the History of the Universe. So far, we have lost 2.304 Scribes, 335 Servitors, 1.321 Autoquills, and 210 recaf machines in the writing of this work and Primarch Magnus has retired to his room in frustration, citing "stupidity" as a cause. Based on the initial outline, we estimate we are only just at the Man-Emperor's own miraculous birth, and this was the cause of work stoppage as dozens of adepts died of a mixture of euphoria induced cardiac arrests. Curiously, all of them wore hats that seemed to expand in size.

Regardless, projected expenses so far in finishing this work has been prognosticate. So far, it is anticipated that a further 4.000 Scribes, 1.000 Autoquills, 100 recaf machines, and 21 Servitors need to be allocated to the project for it to be completed. We will also need to have at least one field full of Grox manure to roll the finished manuscript in to falsify age.

Lastly, I must file a complaint against Custodes Balik and Diavolos. The two of them are responsible for several losses of assets. The majority of them were the latter's fault, given that he killed several scribes for apparently knowing who he is, but Balik caused the most damage when his nude body covered in grease managed to slide into the cafeteria, upturning dozens of tables and being responsible for over 50 recaf machines being lost. His decision to turn one into a wax mixer for his abs was also uncalled for.

It is not in my jurisdiction to speak to a Guard of the Emperor so crassly, so I humbly ask you reprimand the two and redirect other companions to this wing of the Imperial Palace. I also must ask you check in on Primarch Magnus, his efforts are sorely needed in this task.

May the Man-Emperor Protect,

Prefectus Mahur

Historical Revision Unit

 **Custodes,** _glaring at_ **Kittonius** : When did you become Captain-General?  
 **Kittonius,** _confused_ : I’m not the Captain General, we spoke with Constantine moments before we left the Bucephelus!  
 **Custodes,** _looking suspicious at_ **Kittonius** : We all know you always wanted to become Captain-General, what did you do to Constantine?  
 **Kittonius** : I’m telling you that I did nothing! This was probably a mistake, they confused our ranks.  
 **Karstodes** : If you did anything to Constantine, you will be the next target at the Blood Games.  
 **Kittonius** _goes palid at that.  
_ **Yesugei** : Why don’t we calm down? This was most likely a mistake the Administratrum made, you know how the pen pushers are, once they sent us a message calling the Khan, Lord of Speed Addicts.  
 **Whamuudes** : You better hope it was a mistake _Kitten_ , _the Custodes spat that last word.  
_ **Kittonius :** Well at least I’m not a pervert going around naked and killing servitors!  
 **Whamuudes :** How dare you?! I will have you know that I use my armour all the time.  
 **Kittonius :** Well that’s not what the message says, you Custard.  
 **Whamuudes :** I’m going to kill you during the next Blood Games.  
 **Kittonius :** You try that and I will…  
 **Kharn :** CALM DOWN!! Instead of trying to kill each other, why don’t you focus on the actual message, it says that the Emperor ordered someone to write a History of the Universe.  
 **Ahriman,** _eyes glowing_ : Did you said history of the Universe?  
 **Khârn -** Yes. It says that your nerd of a father is helping write it.  
 **Ahriman -** He never told me anything! How dare he keep me away from such a project?  
 **Artellus -** So nobody bats an eye at the human losses ?  
 **Santar -** And the material losses ?  
 **Narek -** the Emperor being refered to as the Man-Emperor ?  
 **Ahriman -** Those are secondary.

_(Sound of telepathic ringtone)_

**Magnus -** Ahriman ? Did someone gift us more baneblades ?  
 **Ahriman -** WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE WORKING ON A HISTORY OF THE GALAXY ?  
 **Magnus -** What ? I mean, that’s an excellent idea, but… I have no idea what you’re talking about.  
 **Ahriman -** THEN WHY DO I HAVE A MESSAGE SAYING THE CONTRARY ?  
 **Magnus -** You know what ? I’m recalling you to the _Photep_ right now.

 _(sudden scenery change, everyone got teleported on board the_ Photep _)_

 **Magnus** : That may have been a little too much. Ah well, I’ll just warn Father I’ve got you all on board on the way to Colchis…


End file.
